Result: Foxton won by 8 wickets
‘Foxes youth team player accused of identity theft’
An Apology
It has been brought to my attention that I have to make a formal apology to Watto due to me leaving out details of his direct hit run out last Sunday. The fact that I did include it in my original draft but had it harshly removed by my sub-editor cut no ice with the former 70’s porn star (credits include Saturday night beaver, Schindler’s fist, Gash of the titans, and Andrew Watson’s all star poop chute salute). Anyway, for those who missed it, he rocketed a ball in from 8 yards to run out an arthritic 1 legged OAP. No, not Tommy, he plays for us. So there it is Watto, you can stop with the texts, 7 emails a day, and the threat of killing my girlfriend’s hamster.
To the game then! We arrived at Buntingford with yet another new recruit. 18 Year old convict Dev Tiwari. He’s here for 6 weeks and wants to play some quintessential English cricket. The lad seemed keen as mustard, we’ll soon knock that out of him the poor chap. Itchy dropped the bombshell that he’d managed to lock all 11 sets of keys that his family own inside the house. An offer from Foxy to go and smash Mrs Cambridge’s back doors in to retrieve them was turned down. There is just no helping some people, especially celebrities. Griff went all the way to the middle for the toss with the oppo’s captain, lost it, and then we all watched them both make the long walk back to the pavilion. ‘What we doing skip?’ was the cry. We didn’t know. The oppo’s captain had to ask one of his elder statesmen. Obviously deciding whether to bat or bowl is a decision one man can not make alone. Turned out that after some heavy discussion we’d be in the field. Sensible seeing as at that time they had 4 players.
Foxton opened up with Tommy Williams and Itchy. Tommy launched his usual metronomic grenades, whilst Itchy, being the archetypical groundsman, decided to test out most areas of the pitch. Itchy’s scattergun approach made the breakthrough, a leading edge smartly taken by Curly behind the stumps. Tommy soon followed suit by dismissing their no.3. Itchy was replaced by Foxy at the ‘Skate Park End’ and Dev took over from Tommy Wills after he’d bowled 10 miserly overs straight. After the Aussie had adjusted his length by about 8 feet (obviously thought he was on a lively one back home at the WACA), he settled into a nice rhythm and looked like he’d be a bit of a handful in division 9X South. He ended up with 4-24, whilst at the other end Foxy sent down the usual bag of loopy allsorts to claim 4-28. Buntingford all out for 113. A club that appeared severely lacking in any kind of youth movement (probably due to the super amazing bitchin skate park for suicidal emo kids), it looked like most of the oppo were paying match fees long before decimalisation came into practice.
Tea was good. Pork pie with mustard, always a welcome addition. Then as tea was being consumed, a newsflash hit that caught us all unaware. One of our players, young Hugo, finally came clean about his seedy identity theft past. Turns out his name is actually Theo. Even his own father had been caught out by his offspring’s deception. Cue tears, a lengthy confession, and some tips from Foxy about surviving the prison showers with clackervalve intact.
For our reply, Foxy went out with Josh (or is it? Can’t trust these young lads). Their openers toiled away, but their sole bowler who hadn’t had to sit the 11+ bowled enough loose stuff to keep the sexy electronic Ipad operated scoreboard ticking over. Josh soon departed, Dev came in and deposited a couple of decent blows before playing on, then entered Griff who bullied it to all parts for a quick-fire 40*. Foxy combined blocking the absolute crap out of it with completely random cuts through point to also finish on 40*. A very comfortable victory. An early finish allowed us to get back to HQ and start preparing for our Soul & Mowtown disco fundraiser. Flares and Paisley shirts aplenty, although someone forgot to tell Ada as he turned up dressed as John Lennon circa 1967. The big winners were Watto and Itchy, who saved a fortune on fancy dress by wearing their usual garb, and still walked away with the best dressed award.
Long time Surrey & England supporter and former Prime Minister John Major, who happened to be passing through Buntingford at the time of the game, was quoted as saying: ‘I was very impressed with the young antipodean. I haven’t seen such ball in hand skills since my affair with Edwina Currie came to light. That woman could peel a Satsuma in your pocket.’
Next week we entertain Abington 3rd XI at home, but we’ll be minus Griff as he’s off on a stag do. He reckons it’s for a mate of his but we have our suspicions. The smart money is on him being a minibus driver for a living.
MoM: Dev Tiwari